Where I am, where I was and a cover reveal

So…

There’s been a lot going on here lately. My partner and I are trying, one more time, for a baby.  We’ve been trying for two and a half years now, almost as long as I’ve worked in the indie community, and for the most part, I haven’t made our struggles public.  I still won’t – there may be a time that I feel I can blog about it properly, but the fact that I don’t talk about it much doesn’t mean it’s not destroying me every day.
I’m still under that sort of mindset – keeping telling myself that tomorrow will be different.  Tomorrow we’ll finally have worked *it* out.  Tomorrow something will magically change.  And I know it’s wishful thinking, but I’ve just got no capacity to change.  Because change is hard.
And acknowledging this is the last time I can go through what we’ve been through to get to here, and two and a half years on, is also a bit hard.
This post was originally going to talk a bit about bullying, but what I just wrote, honestly, is heartbreaking.  We’ve been trying for a baby of our own for two and a half years.  We’ve miscarried more times than I like to talk about in public.  But, despite evidence and the hope of the contrary, life continues. Sometimes I wish I could just hide, or that the world would stop until I can catch my breath.  Anything to feel less than I am now.
I’ve opened and closed a business in that time, started another partnership. The bullying stems out of the stuff I dropped when this was all ongoing, or because of where I ‘work’ as a volunteer in the indie community.
I’ve written more than I’ve ever considered sane.  Released none of it, because my capacity extends to writing and grieving.  And that’s been me for the longest time.

I like to pretend sometimes it’s how it was.  Before we moved 290 miles south (461.62km for my American friends) of our family.  Before we combined our houses, and when all I had was my time with my family, my children and being in a relationship with an amazing guy that deep down.  Things were easier then.

And then things changed, and my life was kinda thrown into turmoil.  And don’t get me wrong, it’s been a good turmoil in some ways. In a lot of ways.
In others, it’s been painful.  We’ve been through so much, and actually, this post was meant to be an apology for letting those of you waiting for my books down, but the only apology I think I owe is not saying something sooner.  I’m sorry that I didn’t say that this was going on, so that people knew what was going on.  I’m sorry that I didn’t say something sooner because I was afraid that saying it out loud made me weaker.
Made the failure public.
Because that’s how I feel.  A failure.
I’m an educated, intelligent (so people say) woman, accomplished in many fields, but when it comes to our family, ALL I want is another baby.  Together, with my fiancée. And it’s heartbreaking to say that we’re struggling with this – and that it’s been tough these last few years.
Now, I don’t say this for people to feel sorry for us.  I don’t say it to make people feel bad.  I just say it because it’s something that needs to be said.  Our life is good here, but I still feel like I’m nothing because I can’t give him a child of his own.  And he doesn’t make me feel that way – I DO.  And my story isn’t uncommon. I can’t say this is a wholly negative post.  I have to, at some point, start picking up my life properly.  Looking for a job because I’m a graduate (and have been for 2+ years).  Finding my place in the world. Putting my books out there and taking what comes my way. But it was so much easier before we moved.  It was so much easier when we weren’t trying for a baby.  Because I knew at some point we would. I guess I don’t do well with failure.

So, the positive stuff. Glass Block goes to it’s final editor soon.  We’re just lining up schedules.  But this time I’ve found someone I trust.  And today, I’ve got a cover to show off, for a non-fiction book.
And it’s all brightly coloured so it might bring up the tone of the post.
12x12

You can pick it up at Warpaint Marketing.  We start shipping the pre-orders on 21st, then it goes up on Amazon 28th February.

8 Comments

  1. Michael Melville

    Its hard to be brave when things just keep coming at you. Its even harder to maintain hope I understand just wanting to give up. I am proud of you friend for not giving up and talking about it. I know it can be hard to share such personal things; scary even. Perhaps though somewhere out there a couple going through a situation similar to this will find strength in your words and life. Keep up the good work on all ends of your very busy life dear.

    Reply
  2. A.B. Shepherd

    Big hugs to you Kai. I can’t say I understand exactly what you are going through. I truly hope you are able to achieve your hearts desire and have that baby you long for so desperately.

    I will add, however, that sometimes no matter how much you want something it just isn’t meant to be. It doesn’t mean you failed. As heartbreaking as that is to realize, you need to come to terms with it somehow and move forward. Because in spite of the heartbreak there are blessings that are worth enjoying. Time with your partner and other loved ones.

    My story is a different one. I was newlywed when my husband became ill, resulting in a disability. My dreams of happily-ever-after were shattered and all the things we had planned and hoped for were not meant to be. We had to readjust our dreams of our future together. It wasn’t easy and it took a great deal of time. Sometimes it is still hard to bear. But most days are good days, and in spite of everything we do still have each other. And that makes all the difference.

    Perhaps there is a support group for infertile couples that can help you deal with the hand you’ve been dealt. I do not know, but I’d like to think so.

    Much love and hugs to you.

    Reply
  3. Pavarti K Tyler

    <3. It was very brave of you to put all this out there publicly.
    Love you

    Reply
  4. Ana

    HUGS to you and your partner, Kai.
    PS. You are NOT a failure.

    Reply
  5. jodine

    *HUGS* thank you for sharing. it couldn’t have been easy for you. “life isn’t fair” is something that we all learn at some point, especially when we get knocked down hard. all we can do is get up and start over. you aren’t a failure kai. the fact that you are continuing to live your life and taking a step at a time each day is an accomplishment, especially when you feel the way you do. i can’t say i totally understand what you’re feeling now, but you are a lot stronger than you feel are and things will work out. give it time. take care of yourself and love yourself. just know that there are a lot of people who care about you and are your support. i really hope for the best for you. <3

    Reply
  6. Zoe Brooks

    I am in awe of you, Kai. While you have been going through this you been there for me and a lot of indie writers. Thank you. To write so powerfully and honestly takes great strength. I could never have done it and salute you. I hope it helps. Keep well and dry.

    Reply
  7. Emlyn Chand

    Kai, I’m sorry things have been so hard. I know very well how planning for a baby, waiting for a baby, and then taking care of one can take over your entire life. I can only imagine the pain you’re going through, and probably not even a fraction of it even if I try really hard to understand. Just know that I am here as a friend and am hoping for your wish to come true very soon!

    <3 Em

    Reply
  8. Katy

    Oh, Kai *hugs* I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I remember my mom telling me that she wanted a big family, but after having my brother (and he was two months premature) she couldn’t carry any more children to term due to her diabetes. They eventually adopted me. Anyway, at one point Mom told me she thought she’d probably miscarried a dozen time in the 11 years between my brother being born and them adopting me (including one right after they brought me home). I can’t say I necessarily understand what you’re going through, but I’m here for you if you need to talk, and have a slightly different perspective on things if you ever want to hear them. Meanwhile, I’m here to support you. You are not a failure, you are an amazing person.

    Reply

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